I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
