You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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