there's paper in my vomit.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
