Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
