im drinking this country out of the recession.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
