I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
