im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
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I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
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I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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