Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
