He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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