i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
