i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
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