oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
its liver damage thursday
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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