Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
