It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I wish life had little blips of pornography
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
