HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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