the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
