You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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