She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
