Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Dignity is for republicans.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
COCAINE IS GR8
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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