Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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