I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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