Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
