I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
