We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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