my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
