I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
