she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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