Umm I'm too high to move.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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