Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
