In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
