i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
