dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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