Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
