Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
