just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
barbara walters just said penis...
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
