The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
