Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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