I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
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