is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
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I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
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Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
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