people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
