I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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