I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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