You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You left your phone here
Wait...
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