I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
You Will Never Meet Anyone More Annoying Than These 23 People
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again