I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
vagina is talking i cant
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
