My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
you inspire me to be a worse person
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
