I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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