You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
