White coat. Heels.
3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm really into asian looking animals
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
