so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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