Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
