Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
