He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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