i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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