duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
