im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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