I cut my penus on the lid.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
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I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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